this one is going to be longer than my other entries, i have a lot to talk about and i need to get it out there. i don't want to hide my plans and my actions. after all, this is my talking space, my thoughts, and my journal. the reason i stopped writing was because i realized, if i wanted to show you this journal, the handwriting wouldn't be understandable (even for me.)

mature enough to admit my wrongs. i have been lacking the consistency, the discipline to keep going with myself. i can admit that lately, i haven't stayed true to my journey, instead, i have been going back to my terrible habits of being lazy, sleeping so late that i start to catch myself napping at school, procrastinating and just terrible.

the procrastination i have with the film. everything i created from the past few months, the editing. it just isn't me. i scrapped it completely, again. i realize that i should take it at my own pace but i should definitely work on it. i want to make it mine, make it yours. i want it to be a film where you can say, "angel made this."

"you have so much potential"

the amount of times i read this last paragraph, i just keeping thinkin, thinkin, and thinkin. making actual realizations. maybe it isn't as deep as it may seem but to me? shit i'm realizin things about myself that maybe you've seen out of me. i'm wakin up.

50 days since you left, and damn, it feels like time’s movin in slow motion. every person i meet just isn’t you; they don’t have that goofy, silly vibe you always had. it’s been pretty lonely, to be honest. i’m still here, tryin to figure myself out, working on loving myself and all that, but i’ve realized i probably need friends too. maybe that’s what’ll help me lose this lonely feeling. but fuck, i don’t know how to get there yet. the days just keep draggin, so damn slow.

still sick, came down with a cough that’s been goin for the past 3 days. it sucks. i couldn’t sleep at all the past night, told my mom i didn’t so she let me stay at home instead of goin to school today. i was happy about the silly goober i made, the goober is me. i got told today by a friend, you changed. i asked how they mean, good or bad? they said good change. i didn’t seem too edgy and that i seemed to stop having bad habits but i was really lazy with responses, as if i weren’t putting much effort into how i spoke with people. i can admit, i have become a little dry. i’ll work on it.

july

is a month i can’t forget, not for joy, but for the day you walked away, on the 24th, tired of waiting for me to change.

you gave me time, you gave me space, but i stayed stuck, lost in my ways, too wrapped up in self-doubt and hate, while you watched, hoping i'd escape.

now july holds the memory, of you leaving, of love gone cold, not because you didn’t care, but because i never changed at all.

it took some time but i wanted to put all of the focus on myself. i worry less about you but i still always think of you. i prevent myself from trying to "stalk" you but i always want to know what you're up to. i still love you, i don't want to move on either. i hope you know that. this film gives me an opportunity to see change and growth. i won't say though. this will be for me, not just for the film but for me. part of it was for you too. i wanted to change now. i have the motivation to do so, it’s you. you are my motivation. i want to change my physical appearance, my mental state, my mentality, anythin that needed fixin.

changes is a series of videos/short films/ projects. focused on my growth and process. i want to make this as raw as possible. there is little to no music here, no acting. just raw videos, raw emotions, whatever it may be. whether it’s gameplay, fucking around outside.

i started to post tweets on an account i thought would be my alt but really became somewhere i could communicate my thoughts. then i saw something pop up in my notifications. "noxious liked your post" it surprised me since i thought he wouldn't look at these. i posted more and he liked more. i thought deeply about that day, the message. that's where i decided, i'm going to change.

24 of july 2024

my heart sank, i cried and shook while responding back to him. while giving a response, i couldn't think right, none of the words came out right. i had nothing to say. nothing i said was true. other than wanting to get better. the rest of the day was bed rotting and crying time to time. he made my days feel full but without him, the days felt empty. no one spoke to me. i couldn’t eat. i didn’t drink. i just laid down in bed.

25 of july 2024

it felt empty, i thought a lot about my relationship with him and i looked at our past dms a lot. i swore myself i would get better for me. but i wanted to love myself and feel good about myself, i really wanted him back. it was this day when realization came the most and i cried the most.